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10 things no one tells you about being a new mom.
February 5, 2015
Picture this if you will.
You are in labor for 24+ hours, then after eating awful hospital food for 2 days, the doctors and nurses say "Sayonara". They just LET you leave with this tiny little life that is your new child. And it's terrifying to say the least.
In the above photo, it's the day after giving birth. I am swollen, exhausted, pale, and a little delirious. No matter how many books you will try to read to prep for the baby or how much advice you try to soak up like a sponge before the big day arrives, you will forget it all.
1. All your partner and you will discuss for the next few weeks is your child's poop.
Lack there of, color, consistency. I hope you aren't squeamish because shits about to get REAL. Pun intended.
2. The veins on your chest will make you look like you have Hep V
Maybe only fans of True Blood on HBO will get my above reference. But let me explain. If you are a basic bitch white girl like me, with fair skin, your veins will literally look like they are huge and blue and just like you have translucent skin or something. You will look like you have Hep V (from True Blood) is the best way I can describe it. Not pretty. And as I write this, 9 months post partum, they are not going away! Yikes.
3. You will google every little twinge, sound, fart, etc. your new baby makes
This should not be anything new. You were, after all, consulting "Dr. Google" throughout your entire pregnancy. Convincing yourself you and your baby were going to die horrible deaths because you drank some un-pasteurized orange juice samples at your local Whole Foods.
4. You'll be surprised on how little sleep you actually need to function
Now I said function, I didn't say function well.
5. You will SWEAT
Buckets! In the few weeks after giving birth you will be a sweaty mess. I guess I never realized how much water I really retained while being pregnant. I always thought my feet at the end were only a "tad" swollen. Yeah, well this is what my hormone fogged brain thought was a "tad" swollen.....Yikes again! Exhibit A:
6. You will CRY
So I guess this isn't a new idea. You've probably heard this one before. Hormones are a bitch. Some people get them worse than others. I lucked out int he baby blues department and only had a few spats of crying for no real reason. Other than being a crazy hormonal post partum new mom.
7. You'll feel like you are doing it all wrong.
Again, they just LET you leave with this baby. There is no manual. You have no idea what you are doing. You'll prob put on a few diapers backwards, accidentally bump your baby's head, be so busy you forget to bathe them. It's all OK. All you have to do is keep reminding yourself that if Snooki can do it, so can you. Seriously, bitch has 2 kids, you can do it!
8. Your belly button will never look the same.
You know how some of those celebrities give birth and then they are on the red carpet a week later? Yeah, that probably wont happen to you. I was holding out hope. Each day though, your stomach will go down and down. But it does take awhile to resemble some sort of normalcy. And it CAN look even better than normal if you work at it, so there is HOPE! Your belly button however, will still look sad.
If you were lucky enough not to get stretch marks, who the hell do you think you are?
For the rest of you who got them like me, they do eventually fade. Although people tell you that and all you can do is stare at these red things on your stomach for days wondering WHEN!!!
They will, it may take a year, but they will fade. Patience is a fucking virtue.
9. Don't try to do it all.
I had a lot of grand schemes planned out to do on my maternity leave. I blame Pinterest. "I am going to clean the house, organize, finally do my wedding album, do fun photoshoots with the baby every day." Yeah, um NO. I was a new mom, my Prego brain didn't know any better! My husband and I were lucky if we showered every 3 days. Actually we are still lucky if we do.. I kid, I kid (or do I?)
And not for nothing, but your body just went through major trauma. I had a normal vaginal delivery, so I can only speak to the recovery on that, but your body needs to rest, relax, and repair. Don't try to do it all. Even walks with the baby can seem innocent, but really do a number on your body. This is especially true if you still have post partum bleeding. Walking and doing too much around the house can actually can cause you to bleed more. So relax, snuggle that baby and put your feet up with some NETFLIX!
Actually, NETFLIX is the ONLY project you should be committing to for your maternity leave.
10. It gets better.
There seriously should be an It gets better campaign for new moms. Each month you'll get a little more sleep, get a routine down a little bit more. You will bond with your child, get to know his or her quirks more and more and understand their needs better and better.
So, if you remember nothing else, remember that. It gets better.